Aging Untold Experts Offer Tactics to Reduce Tension for Family Caregivers

Family caregivers in Pinellas County and across the nation face daily stress that can quickly turn into sharp exchanges. Experts from the media program Aging Untold say specific communication strategies can help preserve dignity for both the person receiving care and the caregiver. The goal is to build cooperation and allow caregivers to reset when a conversation begins to escalate.

The primary advice from the panel is to leave the room before emotions peak. Sam Cradduck, a gerontologist, stated that stepping away is the necessary first move when a conversation feels like it is about to blow up. "You have to step away. You really do," Cradduck said. "You’ve got to let yourself calm down." Aging well coach Katherine Ambrose added that caregivers should listen to physical signals of stress. She noted that feeling hot, shaky, or tense in the jaw indicates the nervous system is reaching its limit and it is time to remove oneself or seek help.

Experts urge caregivers to view the behavior of the person they are caring for as a signal rather than a personal attack. Cradduck explained that communication is often just behavior driven by underlying frustration. "You’ve got to figure out what’s going on that’s causing the frustration," she said. Unspoken expectations frequently create conflict. Cradduck warned that when a caregiver expects something from another person without saying it, that expectation often turns into spoken resentment. The person receiving care may be cognitively whole but still unaware of the unspoken demand.

Word choice and tone play a large role in how a message is received. Amy O’Rourke, an aging expert, listed specific words that tend to escalate tension: no, you, always, never, don’t, and you can’t. Cradduck emphasized that tone is as important as vocabulary. "It’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it," she said. Ambrose added that miscommunication is the root of most conflict in caregiving situations. She said the way a person speaks serves as a cue to their emotional state, and caregivers must manage their own feelings to avoid spiraling into drama.

Aging expert Amy O’Rourke shared a personal example involving her father in a nursing home. He was upset about a missing wheelchair key, and staff were frustrated with his reaction. O’Rourke demonstrated that the key worked on the arm of the chair. Although her heart rate increased during the moment, she chose not to prove she was right. "But then I realized, I don’t have to be right," O’Rourke said. "I can let go and be with him where he is." Dr. Rhea Rogers, a board-certified physician, noted that when communication breaks down, people begin to second-guess themselves, which can lead to anger. She said a caregiver can feel just as distraught as the person receiving care.

The panel also addressed the role of negative self-talk and venting. Ambrose observed "low-level energy" in online support groups where caregivers complain about their loved ones. She said this type of drama can make caregivers more miserable. However, Cradduck said she values these groups because they provide a safe place to vent before entering a care environment. Negative thoughts, such as believing a person never listens, often lead to hurtful words. O’Rourke said sharing fears and frustrations with others helps a caregiver feel more balanced before the next interaction.

How a caregiver enters a conversation sets the tone for the outcome. O’Rourke said that a caregiver who enters with a specific outcome in mind will likely lose. In contrast, a caregiver who aims for a successful connection without a predetermined result can build a stronger relationship. Cradduck cautioned against treating an adult like a child. "When you’re trying to parent or you’re trying to correct them like you would a child, then you’re creating a conflict because they’re not going to be happy," she said. She described the caregiver as needing to be the "peaceful adult" who maintains calm, even when it is difficult.

The Aging Untold program notes that its advice is for educational and informational purposes and does not constitute medical advice. The program is produced by Gray Media Group and features experts including Cradduck, Ambrose, O’Rourke, and Rogers. They encourage caregivers to monitor their own physical responses, choose words carefully, and approach interactions with flexibility rather than a need for control.